How much patience is considered a virtue before it turns into passive silence? I allowed too much time to pass before asking the right questions and spent too many days trying to find the right answers. But what is “right” and what is “wrong”? There is no black or white in anything we do and turning a blind eye to all the shades in between leads to a search for an ideal that is nothing but an illusion. It was easier, I must admit, to convince myself of the correctness of my decisions and believe they must last a life time. But nothing lasts a lifetime and nothing has to last a lifetime, not when that something has lost all value and meaning that it once possessed.
You can’t plan a dream; you can take that first step and set off on the search for it, you can pursue it, fight for it but you will never know its path. You follow your heart and you trust in life. Who said that? What does that mean? Life is much more complicated than following a maxim. And it seemed to me that finding happiness is more a birth right rather than a dream.
I don’t remember anymore where I’d copied this from. It hung on the wall next to the mirror (where I would see it every day). I’d been repeating the words like a mantra for years hoping for that moment to arrive when I would be guided by life to set out on a new path of contentment. The time never arrived and the more I looked at the words the more blurred they became and the less understandable they sounded. One cannot follow a numb heart and faith in life turned into an abstract idea that only referred to having no idea what to do next.